Teaching Our Kids (and Ourselves) What Real Support Looks Like

In our hyperconnected world, it’s easy to mistake surface-level interactions—likes, emojis, a quick “how are you?”—for meaningful connection. But in truth, healing and resilience don’t happen in isolation. They unfold within relationships, in the context of steady, compassionate support.

As parents, we often focus on what our children need from us. But one of the most powerful things we can do—for them and for ourselves—is to model what it looks like to build and maintain healthy support systems. When we show our children how we ask for help, how we make space for joy, and how we connect with others, we’re giving them a living example of resilience in action.

Support isn’t just about having people around—it’s about the kind of support we give and receive. Research tells us that there are four core types of support that help us cope with stress, recover from trauma, and build emotionally healthy lives: instrumental, emotional, informational, and fun. These types of support are just as important for children as they are for adults—and when we bring awareness to them, we create more intentional, nurturing family environments.

Let’s look at each type more closely.

1. Instrumental Support: Hands-On Help

Instrumental support is the practical kind. It’s the neighbor who drops off a meal when you're sick, the friend who drives your child to practice when you're running late, or the partner who folds the laundry when you’re emotionally tapped out.

When parents model both offering and receiving this kind of support, they send a powerful message: We all need help sometimes—and that’s okay. Children who grow up seeing their caregivers ask for help are more likely to ask for help themselves, especially when they need it most.

📘 Parenting Tip: When you're overwhelmed, name it gently in front of your child. “I’m feeling tired today, so I asked a friend to help. That’s one way I take care of myself.”

2. Emotional Support: Being Present, Not Perfect

Emotional support is about presence, not problem-solving. It’s the quiet “I’m here” during a child’s meltdown or your teen’s irritable outburst, the friend who listens without rushing in with advice, or the simple validation that pain is real and deserving of compassion.

Children thrive when they know their feelings are safe to express. That sense of emotional security begins with us. When we respond to their emotions with calm and empathy—and when we reach out for emotional support ourselves—we reinforce the idea that feelings are not something to hide, but something to honor.

📘 Parenting Tip: When your child is struggling, try responding with curiosity instead of correction. “You seem really upset. Do you want to talk or just sit with me for a while?” And remember if they don’t take you up on the offer right away, it’s also ok to let them know that when they feel ready, you will still be receptive to listening.

3. Informational Support: Sharing What We Know

In moments of stress, the right piece of guidance can be grounding. Informational support involves sharing resources, knowledge, or advice—not to control, but to empower.

For adults, this might mean learning about trauma-informed parenting strategies or accessing mental health services. For young people, it’s about developing coping tools, learning how the brain works, or simply knowing who they can talk to when they feel confused or overwhelmed.

📘 Parenting Tip: You don’t have to have all the answers. What matters is modeling how we find answers. “I’m not sure why that happened either, but let’s figure it out together.”

4. Fun Support: Making Space for Joy

Joy is often one of the first things to disappear during stressful times, but it’s also one of the most important. Fun support looks like laughter, shared play, and moments of connection that remind us life is more than just getting through the day.

Children need this kind of lightness—and so do parents. Joy helps regulate the nervous system, builds attachment, and reinforces the belief that even in hard times, moments of safety and delight are still possible.

📘 Parenting Tip: Build “connection rituals” into your week—whether it’s a weekend dance party with your little ones, a walk after dinner, or a standing date to bake something messy together. These small rituals create rhythm and security.

Bringing It All Together: A Model of Resilience

Resilience is not about pushing through pain alone. It’s about learning to lean into support—receiving it, offering it, and modeling it for the people around us. For parents, this means tending to your own support systems while helping your children understand and practice these four types of connection.

When we name and nurture instrumental, emotional, informational, and joyful support, we’re not just building coping skills—we’re creating homes and communities where healing and thriving are both possible.

So the next time you or your child are struggling, ask gently:

🧭 What kind of support do we need right now? And where might we find it?

Healing doesn’t happen all at once. But it does happen in connection.