Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Child: Mental Health Support for Parents and Caregivers After Trauma
When a child goes through a traumatic experience, it doesn’t just affect them—it affects everyone who loves them. As a parent or caregiver, you might be the one holding everything together. You're the one coordinating therapy, emailing teachers, managing meltdowns, and trying to explain to others what your child needs—often while your own heart is breaking.
It’s common to throw yourself into supporting your child and forget about your own mental health. But over time, that approach can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout. In trauma psychology, we call this vicarious trauma—a very real, very human response to being closely connected to someone else’s suffering. The truth is this: your well-being matters too. And taking care of yourself isn’t just good for you—it helps your child feel safe, supported, and cared for by a steady adult who can model healthy coping.
What is Vicarious Trauma?
Vicarious trauma happens when you absorb the emotional pain of someone else’s experience—often without even realizing it. You might notice symptoms like irritability, emotional numbness, sleep problems, or a deep sense of helplessness. These symptoms can show up in subtle ways, like avoiding conversations, feeling disconnected from people you love, or struggling to enjoy things that used to bring you comfort.
This is especially common in caregivers who are navigating complex trauma histories with their children. If your child has experienced abuse, loss, violence, or other significant distress, your brain and body may also be operating in survival mode. If you have a history of traumatic events in your own childhood, you may also be more vulnerable to this type of reaction.
Recognizing vicarious trauma doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re human. And it’s a cue to pause and check in with your own needs.
How Trauma Affects Your Relationships
One of the most overlooked aspects of parenting through trauma is how much it can strain your other relationships. You might pull away from friends who don't understand. Small talk can start to feel shallow or draining. You may argue more with your partner or feel alone even when you’re not. These reactions are common. Trauma narrows our emotional bandwidth, and caregiving takes a toll on even the strongest relationships.
Try not to blame yourself. Instead, get curious: What do I need right now? Who feels safe to talk to? Where can I speak honestly without having to explain everything? Reaching out might mean reconnecting with a close friend, joining a caregiver support group, or working with a therapist. Even just texting someone you trust to say, “This is a hard week” can be a step toward connection.
If you’re in a partnership, remember that both of you may be coping differently. Make space for honest conversations. You don’t need to agree on everything. But carving out small moments to check in—even five minutes after the kids are in bed or at an activity—can help you feel more like a team again.
Individual Coping: Making Time for Your Own Healing
It’s easy to feel like you don’t have time for yourself. But your mental health is the foundation for everything else. And you don’t need hours of free time or a perfect self-care routine to begin.
Start small. Choose one thing each day that supports your emotional and physical health. This could be:
Taking ten deep breaths before bed
Stepping outside for a few minutes of fresh air first thing in the morning
Listening to music that soothes or energizes you
Saying “no” to something that drains you without extended apologies or excuses
Naming one thing you did well today
If you notice that your child’s trauma is bringing up your own painful memories, that’s important information. Many caregivers discover that their child’s experiences echo parts of their own story. It’s okay to seek therapy for yourself, not just for your child. Doing so models self-compassion and strength—and gives you space to process your own emotions without guilt.
Parenting Through Trauma: Holding Space Without Losing Yourself
Your child doesn’t need you to fix everything. What they need most is your presence. Your calm, your warmth, your ability to say, “This is hard, and I’m right here with you.” But it’s also okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I want to help you, and I also need ten minutes to calm down.” In fact, that teaches your child that people can have needs and still care deeply for one another.
Trauma can pull you into survival mode, where everything feels urgent. But healing happens in everyday moments. Sitting together with no agenda. Watching a funny show. Asking how they want to be supported today. These small acts rebuild trust and safety over time.
Your Healing is Part of Theirs
Supporting a child through trauma is one of the most loving, courageous acts a parent can do. But it is also one of the most emotionally demanding. Remember: you are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to feel tired, sad, confused, or overwhelmed. And you are allowed to care for yourself—not after your child heals, but alongside them. By acknowledging your own emotions and seeking support, you’re not taking away from your child’s healing. You’re showing them that it's okay to be vulnerable, to ask for help, and to keep going even when life feels hard.
And that, truly, is one of the most powerful lessons you can give.
